The Trauma of Parentification: An Immigrant Narrative
Have you ever felt like you always have to be the responsible one? Did your family always expect that you’ll take care of things? If you are inclined to answer “yes”, you may relate to the psychological construct of being a parentified child. In this brief article, we will explore what parentification is and I will share some personal illustrations of what it can look like in real life.
Parentification occurs when the roles between a child and a caregiver are reversed. The researchers defines parentification as
A disturbance in generational boundaries, such that evidence indicates a functional and/or emotional role reversal in which the child sacrifices his or her own needs for attention, comfort, and guidance in order to accommodate and care for the logistical and emotional needs of parent and/or siblings. (Hooper, 2007b, p.323)
There are two different types of parentification, instrumental and emotional. Instrumental parentification refers to when a child takes on functional responsibilities in a household such as paying bills, taking care of siblings, shopping, etc.
As a child of an immigrant family, I personally took on a lot of responsibilities at home. I was a parentified daughter. I had to call doctors, landlords, electric/gas companies, unemployment agencies, and take care of bills, among other things. I had crucial responsibilities at home which prevented me from living like others my age. It took a long time for me to realize how my parents often assigned age-inappropriate tasks. When I was 15, my dad took me to a local used car dealership after his car was repossessed by the lender the night before. He stood there helplessly as he asked me in Korean to do a better job of negotiating on this car he had found in the newspaper. I didn't speak English very well, myself. I was scared and intimidated. I remember feeling so much pressure to make a good deal on this car as I felt responsible for making my dad feel better.
Responsibility meant not only completing household tasks, but also making sure everyone in my family was satisfied with the results of my translation. This is a form of emotional parentification. Emotional parentification happens when a child provides emotional support to the parents. The child feels pressured to fulfill the psychological and emotional needs of their parents and/or their siblings. I remember how both of my parents used me as a middle person to talk about their feelings of anger and betrayal towards each other after their divorce. I often walked away with feelings of guilt for maintaining a good relationship with either of them.
I was never reciprocated the care and support that I provided for my parents which often left me feeling helpless and insufficient. They left no time to console me when I was struggling with my own problems, creating a state of chronic stress and anxiety for me because there were no reliable adults in my life.
I realized later that not only did I take on the role of my parents but I was overfunctioning in terms of taking care of their emotions and dismissing my own feelings. The worst part is that I ended up carrying a burden of guilt and shame when I didn’t fulfill the job of taking care of them, which happened in most situations. After all, I was only a child myself.
Parentification occurs in a lot of immigrant families as the children are expected to sacrifice themselves to help their families get through crises. However, this is not the only problem for immigrant families. Role reversal happens a lot in families in which the parents suffer with addictions, mental health disorders, or medical conditions.
Parentification is a form of trauma. It can create relationship problems in the long run. Children who were parentified struggle with trusting others, often sabotage themselves, and become involved in unhealthy relationships. They often dismiss their own needs and feelings to take care of others which also puts them at a greater risk of anxiety and depression.
The healing can begin when we validate our trauma: as we witness our pain, wounds, and retell our stories. I make a choice everyday to take my courageous path to heal my younger self and help her feel liberated from all the responsibilities she was not supposed to hold.
I let my younger self tell me her story. I feel her anxiety, pressure, and sadness. I feel her shame and guilt for having these feelings. As I am able to recognize her fear and pain, I am able to reparent my inner child and offer compassion even now. I grieve with my younger self for the childhood that was stolen from her.
If you resonate with my story and have a desire to let your inner child tell their stories, reach out to our team at the Mansio Center. Our counselors will help with exploring past experiences and compassionately accompany you as you begin your healing journey.